personal monologue

…all in bad taste…

jee08 — Sat, 22 May 2010 19:21:12 +0000

Recently, my boss has been looking for new staff for the Marketing Department. As she was going through the applicant’s resume and letters, she came across a Chinese man’s resume. After seeing this she abruptly asked me my age. I replied saying I was of the right age to be called “old enough”. But to my surprise she told me the Chinese man was 27 years old, and maybe I could “consider” him…what ever that means? consider? Consider what?And it gets better…So, there I was at pretending to be work whilst waiting for the clock to tick to 17:30, then my boss starts telling me the life story of this man I know nothing about only that he was;

a) Chinese
b) Male
3) 27 years old

My boss suddenly got the impression that me and this chinese-27yrold-man could get it on, because I was “old enough” and the man was in the right age old as I am. So, I just started going along with her, knowing that this is how STUPID people work and think. I queried further information regarding the chinese-27yrold-man.

Apparently, this chinese-27yrold-man has been jobless for several months now, and for the past year he has been in-and-out of work. And right there I need not know more. Sure! The guesture was sweet, my boss setting me up with an unknown-jobless-bloke. LOL

After this conversation with my boss, I was not sure how to react to this. I mean for one why would your boss set you up with a random guy who is looking for a job in the company. This is not a dating company btw. Besides, I do not want to randomly meet men.

Just so happens my lady boss is sad and frustrated that at my “old enough” age, I am not dating and I have been single for many many many many many months!!! Well, you can imagine her distress. I on the other hand, not bothered at all. Its my choice to be single. As I already know from the past relationship are really not my thing. And I have realised that relationships do not like me either. Funny part is every Monday morning she asks me about my weekend and each time my reply would be “I stayed home. Watched movies.” Then she would ask if I did not go out on a date…Of course NOT, even if I did see someone over the weekend for a “sleep-in”. Each time she hears this she gives a very high and heavy sigh…sigh…

What really bothered me about the conversation with my lady boss is that, how could she think I would consider just any man regardless of his current situation? God knows this man is probably married and has children or what have you. And this is the nasty part from my side…forgive me…I will not date a man who is not stable. To be frank I am going through a lot right now and starting a relationship with someone who needs to understand my situation and will adapt to my wants and needs are a big NO NO NO at this current time, and especially if he does not have the capability to live in my standard of living

All in all, I cannot be forced to start seeing someone that does not qualify my standards. It not about how handsome or sexy the person or how rich he is. Its really about how much money he makes LOL kiddin’! To be reasonable just a stable-good-hearted-fun-loving-simple-patient guy. Does he exist? Could it be you? <3

“To Feel Hardship Is Living”

jee08 — Fri, 14 May 2010 12:57:27 +0000

I quote this title from a dear friend of mine. It has been a hard 2 years for me, and still my struggles are endless. Though the tough times have been sad and somewhat depressing, I still breathed in and out, and I gradually dusted off all the dirt and picked up the pieces.

I tried real hard to keep living even if the hurtful memories of my mistakes and regrets keep playing over and over in my head. If only I could relive the past and correct the things I have done wrong, if only I could. I constantly just pushed aside these sad and negative thoughts, no matter how persistant these memories were.

I envy people and peers my age that have been lucky enough to have not gone through what I have been through and these people never encounter road blocks in their lives. I really feel that everyone else I know are really living easy and stress free lives, as I am still struggling to be someone. Some of my pieces are still shattered and I am just beginning to put them back together again. It is not easy and I surely know it does not happen over night.

I keep wondering if life could get better for me and I would one day taste the sweet life. In the back of my head I am very scared with what might come next. I want a better ending to the rest of the chapters of my life. However, fate is cruel to me and she always pushes me back to the battle field. Deep inside I feel this is a war I am never going to win.

I have planned so many things. I want simple things in life, but they never seem to come into reality. A happy life is so hard to attain. Why is that? Will I ever get to the greener side of the hill?

…what one says is what one is…

jee08 — Fri, 14 May 2010 04:55:59 +0000

It’s really funny and annoying at the same time when people criticize other people. Fine, we all say negative things here and there about people we know or people we work with. The worst part of this is is that most of the time the people who likes criticizing others are just as bad or even worse than those being criticized.

Quote of the day: “When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” – Anonymous

Posse’

jee08 — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:48:41 +0000

Since you want to reconcile everything everything with me and you are welling to forget all that’s happened recently that made our relationship sour, then fine. I accept.

Though I do request that I will not allow being just an ordinary friend. I want to be more than that, but not to the extent of being a girlfriend. Let’s say I want to be your posse

I know you have realised how great our “togetherness” was and I think I would be a great friend to you. With everything that went down between us, I would still never turn my back on you or forget you completely.

I am so glad our situation has turned in a different direction.

The Re-occuring Dream

jee08 — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 04:46:37 +0000

I was dreaming of K.V.K. again. He has been coming in and out of my dreams lately. Normally, I would not bother about such dreams of ex-boyfriends, but dreams of K.V.K. always leaving me longing for him.

Now and then I would wonder if these dream actually mean anything, could be his way of communicating with me. At times, I do want to contact him again, but I really do not see why if I do not have any feeling for him as I did before.

I suppose I could treat him as a friend, and I am sure that he has accepted the fact that I was the one who let him go because I wanted to be with bigger a*s*o*e*s .

I know and I accept the fact that I am to blame for what happened to K.V.K. and I, but one day I just woke up and realized that it was just not acceptable to be with someone like him, sadly. Too bad he has not really proven himself otherwise. I know so well my family would not approve of such union between K.V.K. and I.

Deep down inside, I know that even though he might not have all the material things I look for in a guy, but he will always be a good guy.

Come to think of it, K.V.K. and I happened so many day, months, and years ago, he could not possibly still feel the same way as he did before. You know what it could just be hormones talking and making me long for something that is not there that might have nothing to do with K.V.K. — hahaha

Nightmare-ish

jee08 — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 03:11:08 +0000

I had a nightmare last night. It seemed like I was running away from someone or something for some reason. It all seemed confusing with so many people I could not recognize. I was so scared, and I could not find a place for me to hide in. It seems like I was running around a building, I don’t know where it was nor do I know which building it was, it was all so unfamiliar.

I have no clue if the dream had any meaning or it was suppose to mean something. I was told by my grandmother that if in your dream you are running away and hidding from someone it usually means someone is taking advantage of you or making a fool of you. But who? God knows! Well, it could just be a dream telling me I am so stressed with all this work load I have. I could not really say I was made a fool of since I have not been connect with anyone lately, not seeing any one, I have not even bothered seeing my friends. This is stupid! I am actually letting this get a hold of me. In the end all I remember is that I was so scared I woke up sweating.

Baby Names

jee08 — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 12:40:41 +0000

*Girls*

- Hailey Jane

- Louise Divine

- Chloe Nadine

- Audrey Rose

- Clarisse Bernadette

*Boys*

- Elijah Nathaniel

- Lucas Michael

- Charles Bryce

- David Thomas

- Timothy Andrew

* For my cousin’s (Mary Ethel) baby xoxo

You Wanna Joanna?

jee08 — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 05:31:33 +0000

It was like a big bang. It started with a great explosion.

An unforgettable moment. It has the brightest light.

…I think I know your lil secret…

STUPID ALERT

jee08 — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 01:27:10 +0000

It was really stupid of me to have reacted the way I did. I hate myself for it.

Why in the world would I do that?

So? He gave me a smile. Who gives?!?! What-the-hell!!!

I feel so ashamed. :-S

…worries…

jee08 — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 00:21:10 +0000

I have got to make a name for myself. Everyone around me is moving on and becoming famous and make a name for themselves in their respective field of interest. For example W.L. is really make music, not just any music, but really good house music. I am proud of him. Then, there are some of my friends who are musicians, journalists, teachers, designers, artists, and event managers.

Now, its my turn to shine. No more f*cking around, no more useless time spent on useless relationships and on men. It’s time I step up and put my head in the game. I am going to be practical and do what is right. Staying focused is the issue, and I really need to stay focused so I can reach the goal that I have been trying to reach for so many years, but really never put enough effort on it.

I know what I want. I know how to start what I want, but its finishing to get the end result is the problem. I really need to give it a try and provide to, not only to the people close to me, but most especially to myself that I am really capable of doing what I said I was going to do.

No more slacking. No more excuses. No more wasting valuable time or I am going to really get left behind. Need to find inspiration and make use of all the good and bad experiences I have that might relate to some people. I need to get it down on paper. Even just taking bit and pieces that way I can build up whatever comes to fancy.

I would really like to shine the brightest in a few years time, before 30, perferrably. I am so self-assured that I can make it by then. I am hoping this will all come to reality whilst I am living and working in the U.K. I would really want to have a few good things going for me…crossing my fingers.

So, stay focused. Focusing only on me right now. No more b.s. and certainly no to drama. I need to breathe in my own air and shine like a star while I still can and still have a dream that I am able to grab before it vanishes into thin air. I know the potential is there, but I just need to push myself further and enhance the rough edges.

I need this so badly. Friends are starting to look down on me as I am not really going anywhere. People are also starting to make me an outcast because of my imperfect background. With all this going on it hurts me and I just want to prove to everyone that I am worth so much more that they ever will be.

I know hoping is good, but to realize this hope that’s a different story, and could be really difficult. I want it so badly. It is about time I recover from being pushed down constantly by everyone else. I just want this one thing to happen for me. (a book, better education, yoga would be a nice exercise, and pole dancing would be a great surprise)